I Set my self free
As I sit here and type these words, I’m still trying to wrap my head around the recent news of another woman dying from the hands of her husband. This isn’t about me, but oh yes, it is. You could say that I’m lucky to be alive right now, because I’ve been in a similar situation where no one was there to rescue me. I had to get out myself. Some women don’t have that opportunity. However, when I look closer there is a reason why. The victim energetic between the couple may be too intense for either individual to step away. Oh yes, it’s so easy to place blame. Too easy. And wanting to kill the asshole that harms any woman is a given, never mind if he kills her. This is just craziness. We hear about it happening from time to time, (and men can be the victim in rare situations too) but not unless it happens close to home can we really sit with it. People like to be in denial, or chalk it up to it's not their business, etc. Well, yes and no.
I hate to be the barer of bad news, but 1 out of 3 women every day die by the hands of her boyfriend or husband. Every day.
When my ex-husband acted out his aggression towards me, which triggered mine, at times I couldn’t tell who I felt sorrier for, him or me. because I knew the love I had for him, and I knew he loved me. I just felt sorry of us both. and once I was done playing the game of retribution I considered stepping away from the dynamic. I did it, and here I am today to write these words. I didn’t play with him anymore, trying to get him to understand how fucked up the situation was. He couldn’t walk away, and it wasn’t my responsibility to figure out why. All I could say to him was, “Take away your alcohol and then get back to me about yourself.” The manipulation, the head games trying to make me think that everything was in my mind, and it was all my fault. Not my problem. I was taking it on because I felt sorry for him on some level, and at the same time I hated him. I began blaming him for everything that went wrong. All of this was expanding a rather unhealthy energetic dynamic between us. I trusted him with my heart and how dare he do this to me. I was in shock. I had no one I could talk to about any of this. I knew it was something I had to do alone. And oh boy, was I alone. When I sat down long enough in the middle of myself, I realized he had nothing to do with me. From this point on, I had everything to do with me.
Did I love him? Yes, and no. More no, than yes. I get it. The love stronghold between two people can be so intense sometimes that neither of them see that their behavior to each other is contrary to love and are simply playing a game of right and wrong. The heart knows what love is. There is no duality there. But the human can easily step out of their hearts and play at the game of abuse. It’s too easy, because the mind loves a good game. The ego needs another ego for a game to exist. The worse type of aggression is between a man and a woman. Vicious behavior happens, and no one knows it’s taking place. And then it gets forgotten about the next day and starts over again at some point later. In certain cases, someone steps over the line into insanity and kills their family. It’s getting more intense as we continue to clear out the sexual imbalances within the human ancestry. If the masculine energy, either in a woman or a man, becomes too forceful it will attempt to annihilate everything in its path.
I spent years in a relationship where I was locked into a love bondage for my security. I didn’t know what my life would be like without him. It would be like cutting one side of myself off, and indeed that happened emotionally once everything was said and done. He died to me without physically dying. Imagine that? I didn’t realize the behavior. How many years did this go on for? Too many. Sure, we held each other countless times in strong embraces, but then he simply wasn’t there anymore. He wasn’t present even when we sat together. He just checked out. We had that beautiful love in the beginning, but when I look back now, I needed someone to hold me, to feel sorry for me. To tell me, “everything is going to be alright Muriel. I have your back. I have your heart in my hands and I will take great care of it.” I needed that. I really needed someone to take care of me after a very insecure and vulnerable childhood. I fell immediately into the arms of a man who had a similar upbringing in vibrational frequency. When a child doesn’t feel safe, she will eventually act it out. Either to herself, or others. Perhaps it will come in the form of another person who shows up as a mirror for her to look at herself. To see the bondage, and the lack of self-love. This was my 25-year relationship. It was all I knew…
“They say that alcoholics are always alcoholics
Even when they're dry as my lips for years
Even when they're stranded on a small desert island
With no place in two thousand miles to buy beer
And I wonder is he different
Is he different
Has he changed
What he is about?
Or is he just a liar
With nothing to lie about?” ~excerpt from the song “Fuel” by Ani Difranco
…After I realized myself, I understood what I had to do. No one was going to love me until I truly loved myself. And if I was to be alone, truly alone by myself, that was what I had to do. I allowed myself to go through the different stages of anger, guilt, shame, and blame. My mind created a rather strange version of who I once considered my lover. I looked at this creation, and it eventually brought me out of the dark cave in my mind and I saw clearly. I emptied out the darkness between us by looking at my own self-made demon aspects. I saw that he requires psychological help, but that is not my problem. He also needs it for his own self-realization so it is indeed not a problem at all. Once I walked away from the game of the “other” doing something to me, I set my Self free.
“I Set My Self Free” by Muriel Shickman (Amu) 2.20.20
***Muriel is an Author and Shaman. She provides healing & guidance sessions (long distance or in-person). As a new energy creator, she shares her experiences of self-realization through articles, books, and online webinars/live events. Find her on Amazon Author Central to check out her books and free articles. Soul Ship: A Personal Account of Embodied Enlightenment is available in full-color as eBook and paperback.
Visit: www.murielshickman.com for more information
Blog/Musings by Muriel Shickman
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